The past few days have been really hard.
It started on Monday when I stopped by the supermarket after dropping C at kindy. The sugar cravings hit me in a way they hadn't for days. I was strong and bought myself some pate and rye bread instead of the chocolate I was aching for.
I concluded that supermarket shopping at lunch time was perhaps not too smart.
Then I got in the car. And had trouble driving home. I kept forgetting to turn the indicator off after changing lanes. I couldn't focus. By the time I was half way home I was freaking out.
It was a weird beginning to a migraine that has lasted 2 days. Steve left home early to collect C. I got T to help me with dinner - savingdinner.com's pizza cups, and had everything ready for T and Steve to eat before taking T to his first night at Cadets.
Yesterday I was still unwell. I have some small achievements
- I did my morning routine done (slowly)
- I baked some ham and cheese frittatas.
- I made an amazing roasted capsicum, mushroom and spinach pasta (again from Saving Dinner) where I roasted the capsicums myself.
- I drank 2 litres of water.
- I did my yoga twice (once in the morning, once before bed).
But
- I haven't walked for 2 days.
- I haven't done my house blessing
- I haven't worked in the spare room.
- the kids got less of my time, and the short end of my temper.
This morning the pain has gone but I'm still nauseous and spacey and not quite right.
I didn't shower and dress when I got up, so when the dog started barking like a maniac I emerged outside in my pink poodle pj's to discuss some work with the gardener. At least The gardener doesn't appear to judge me.
Now I need to pull myself together and get my day happening.
Yesterday I was a cranky bitch. There's no way to soften that. There's no hiding from the truth here.
I was in a foul mood. Screeching at the children, and picking fights with my darling Steve. Although some of my gripes were legitimate, they were fired up by my innate crankiness.
In fairness I did tell everyone in the morning, and reminded them calmly throughout the day that I was cranky but not a one of them was smart enough to keep his head down and out of the line of fire.
It was tempting to put this down to not having sugar in my morning coffee, but with 20-20 hindsight and a blazing migraine today, I suspect that I was actually suffering from Prodrome - some thing I used to get with my migraines, but was softened until recently. The past couple of migraines definitely appear to be preceded by violent mood swings. Which could be useful to know as I can instigate medication earlier, and reduce or prevent the pain.
But back to sugar now. One of the difficulties on embarking on sugar-free life is how to explain these changes to a 4 year old. As a parent I control my children's access to food, and choose what is right for them. And my youngest has demonstrated to me the addictiveness of sugar from the day he had his first Easter egg. Which was his first taste of the sweet stuff outside of fruit. C goes nuts for sugar. Even before our recent discussions about sugar, he would ask me specifically for sugar. "I want lollies - I want sugar". He will gorge himself and then ask for more. We've spoken over the years about sugar being a sometimes food. He knows its "not good for you". We all know that. We know those lollies and chocolates are not good for us. But I want him to understand that sugar damages our bodies. That a muesli bar is more than "not good for us" but rather that a muesli bar hurts us.
C has just started kindergarten this year. Instead of birthday cakes, the kids are expected to provide lolly bags for the class. As parents we can choose whether our child is allowed to take one. It seems like every week its some kids birthday. I'm struggling with this, because I don't want him to feel he can't participate in the birthday, or that he is different from everyone else. Our temporary solution was to say that he can choose ONE lolly from the bag and the rest go in the bin. Yesterday, as fate would have it there was a birthday. And there was a a lolly bag. C chose his lolly. And Steve threw the rest of the lollies in the bin.
Just like that.
All hell broke loose.
C started wailing.
My insides were wailing too.
I WANTED that Freddo frog. I wanted to lick that chocolatiness. Or if not the Freddo, then just one Freckle.
It was a gut-wrenching physical reaction inside myself. I am amazed I wasn't wailing right along with the 4 year old. It was like I'd thrown out my first-born. (My first-born was sitting at his computer watching the second-born scream, with a look of confusion on his face. All this fuss over a Freddo frog????)
Pam Young of the Slob Sisters would say that was my tiny inner child screaming. Maybe she is right. Pam was written a fantastic book called "The Mouthtrap - the butt stops here" where she worked with her inner child "Nellie" to examine their attitude to food. Pam's philosophy towards life is that we can't let our inner child run the show. But we do need to acknowledge that that childish part of us exists, and find ways to be kind to that part of us. We all need rewards. We all want what we can't have some of the time. Sometimes we buy what we can't have just to prove we can and that is letting the inner child take control. I am a lot like Nellie. Or maybe my inner child is. Certainly my inner 4 year old was in full tilt yesterday.
I hadn't been tempted when the lolly bag was on the bench. I hadn't looked at them. Wasn't interested. But once they were in the bin. Oh my God.
I was shocked at this reaction within myself. I wasn't prepared to feel this way over a Freddo Frog.
But I was in control. I didn't fish the Freddo out of the bin. I didn't go hunting for chocolate elsewhere (I have yet to purge the house of sugar so in theory I could have baked a chocolate cake, or made a hot chocolate).
Instead I took a deep breath. And I have moved on. It only hurts a little bit to think of that frog in my rubbish bin.
I am looking forward to the day when I can look Freddo in the face and say "I don't want to kiss you at all."
