Time to face reality.

I'm a bit hesitant about posting this here.   I thought about slinking back to my abandoned livejournal or diaryland blogs, so that I could get my thoughts down and clear, but not feel so exposed.  Even though as far as I know,  only Jennie is reading here.  My old blogs are so old and abandoned no one on the planet would notice if I updated.  

But this is supposed to be about honesty. 

I'm really struggling this week.   I've been struggling for a while.   I'm emotional and fragile and down.   My routines are slipping by the wayside so today its 12.47 pm and both Charlie and I are in our pyjamas.   I have run the dishwasher and the washing machine, but that is the sum total of my achievements today. 

Part of the problem has been my irregular sleeping.  Since October or so last year I've had issues with insomnia, and when I have a migraine that lays me flat for 24 hours I get total day night reversal.     

Every night I promise I will start anew and be in bed by 10pm, with a goal of being asleep by 10.30.  Every night Steve and I foof around till suddenly its 11.30 and I'm lucky to be in bed by 12, and asleep by 1. Or 2.  Or 3.  

FACT 1: I've never been a morning person.  
FACT 2: I've always needed a regular 8 hours to function.  
FACT 3: When I go to sleep and 12,  or 1, or 2, or 3,   getting up at 6.30am with the family is not going to happen. 

I am also having to come to grips with FACT 4.    When I go to sleep and 12,  or 1, or 2, or 3  I drag myself out of bed as early as I can (anywhere between 7am and 9.30am) and then spend the day foofing around in my pyjamas because I'm tired.  And this makes me feel 

a) like I've achieved nothing 
b) that I'm a useless piece of nothing

And before I know it its one downward spiral of negative thoughts and feelings, and depression is beckoning. 

In the past, I have dealt with occasional insomnia by  getting strict with my bed time routine.  A bath. A cup of hot chocolate.  A good book.  A set bedtime of 10 pm.  A strict wake-up time of 6.30am. 

I had a chat with Steve last night, and this time around I am going to replace the hot chocolate and book with  30 minutes of  Yoga Nidra.  I discovered yoga nidra when I was sick and in hospital with a 4-week long migraine.   I have let my yoga practice slide lately so I think this will be good to help reset my sleeping patterns.  

The other thing I am going to do is write down my morning routine on a post-it note (I think the pink loveheart ones to make me smile).   

Currently my morning looks something like this 

• wake up around 7.50am to the sound of kids screaming and/or the screen door slamming as T leaves for school
• drag myself out of bed and outside for a cigarette
• go to the loo
• kiss steve goodbye
• go to the kitchen and flick the kettle
• have another cigarette
• drink my coffee at the computer 
• look at the clock and realise its 9 am 
• reload the dishwasher and tidy the kitchen
• have a shower, dress and stick my make-up on (on a bad day we skip this step) 
• swish and swipe the ensuite bathroom (some days) 
• scoop the cat litter (some days)
• put on a load of washing
• have another cigarette
• try and figure out what else I'm going to tackle today now its 10.00am 

I think my morning should look more like this: 

• wake up around 6.30am 
• go to the loo
• have a shower, dress and stick my make-up on
• swish and swipe the ensuite bathroom
• go to the kitchen and flick the kettle (it being no later than 6.45 at this point) 
• have cigarette  (yes, yes I know this step has to go, but first I have to stop it being my first waking thought ok??) 
• make kids breakfast and lunches 
• drink coffee and eat breakfast myself
• kiss T goodbye 
• kiss steve goodbye (its 8.00am by this point) 
• reload the dishwasher and tidy the kitchen
• scoop the cat litter 
• put on a load of washing
• have another cigarette
• have a plan so I know what I'm going to do today (its 9.00am and time to have some fun!) 

This list looks long but its not really.   It 3 stages 


Bedroom Bathroom wake up. 

• wake up around 6.30am 
• go to the loo
• have a shower, dress and stick my make-up on
• swish and swipe the ensuite bathroom

Kitchen / Lounge room 

• go to the kitchen and flick the kettle (it being no later than 6.45 at this point) 
• have cigarette  (yes, yes I know this step has to go, but first I have to stop it being my first waking thought ok??) 
• make kids breakfast and lunches 
• drink coffee and eat breakfast myself
• kiss T goodbye 
• kiss steve goodbye (its 8.00am by this point) 

Do the daily jobs 

• reload the dishwasher and tidy the kitchen
• scoop the cat litter 
• put on a load of washing
• have another cigarette  (note here  how I use my smoking as a reward?  I need a new reward.) 

The tricky bit will be the last point.   

• have a plan so I know what I'm going to do today (its 9.00am and time to have some fun!) 

To achieve this I need to have my plan ready to go.   When I first started work in my first real job,  I was part time, 2 days a week and they were not consecutive days.  Between one work day and the nex I would forget what I was up to in my work.  I had a chat with a colleague about it   one day, and he told me at the end of each day he makes a bit of a list of what needs to be done next.   Simple.  Elegant. Logical.  It was one of those  "Why the hell did I never think of that?"  moments.  I have done that every day at work since.  

Here is another "Why the hell did I never think of that?"  moment.  I don't do this at home.  WHY NOT? It was my key to being productive at work.  Why has it never occured to be to sit down in the evenings and PLAN TOMORROW?   To look at the calendar and say 

"ok,  C has kindy,  I have a Dr's appt and 2 and the floors need vacuuming?" 

Or 

"C is at home and I want to make him an  Alphabet Car Park that I found on Pinterest,  the weather is good so lets wash the towels, and I need to bake some sugar-free savoury breakfast muffins."   

Even though my mother has told me I need to build structure into my day as a stay at home mum I have never taken that idea and applied it consistently at home.   I make lists of things to do - on the day I intend to do them  (usually figured out at 10.am dot point on the current routine).  

Cue Dr Phil.  How's that working for you?

Me:. Its not.  

So here's the plan.  Do the new  morning routine.  And do the New bed-time routine 

• plan for tomorrow 
• bath
• choose clothes for tomorrow
• yoga
• lights out by 10.30pm 

We'll see how that goes.   FlyLady and my mother can't both be wrong. 

EDIT:  FlyLady is also right when she says  "Jump in where you are" and that starting your  morning routine at anytime of day will get the day back on track!